How to Find Grief Support That’s Right For You 

Grief and loss are universal, but grief support isn’t. If you’re looking for grief support after the death of a loved one, here are top tips from grief coach Charlene Lam to help you find grief support that works for you.

What I Learned about Finding Grief Support

There is a spectrum of care for grief and loss

Grief is the natural response to losing anyone or anything we’re attached to. Not everyone grieving needs medical treatment, intervention or a diagnosis. Because grief is not a disease or a disorder!

In fact, research shows that many grievers never need professional help of any kind. The spectrum of care for grief ranges from licensed medical professionals like psychologists, therapists and counselors to grief coaches like me to free community support groups, friends, and family. 

We would all do so much better if we knew that there is a spectrum of care available to us. We don’t have to wait until we’re in crisis to reach out for support, to be seen and heard. We all deserve to be held and witnessed after major loss.

Not everyone is a good fit for the grief support you need

After my mom died, I’m grateful I had friends I knew I could turn to and who would feel safe. There are family members whom I love very much, but I knew their grief responses were not compatible with mine. Their feelings were too big, their expectations of me were too much, and they weren’t emotionally equipped to provide what I needed. Their grief responses were valid, but neither of us was in a place to comfort each other effectively.

Not everyone offers your preferred flavor of grief support

I knew early on what kind of support I needed. It needed to be kind, it needed to be calm, it needed to be competent.

The people who were most supportive for me were self-aware, sensitive, and had done a lot of emotional work themselves—whether with a therapist or just in their own processes of healing and mindfulness. (I’m also pretty sure most of them were introverts, like me.) They met my kind, calm, and competent criteria.

What 3-5 words would you use to describe your preferred flavor of grief support?

Not everyone has the willingness and ability to support you after loss

Not everyone can be there for you in the way that you want, not even someone who has lost a loved one or experienced a big loss. A friend who has also lost a spouse, for instance, still may not be able to “get” what you’re experiencing or be able to respond in the way that you would like them to respond. The pain may still be too fresh for them, or they just don’t have the emotional capacity.

Not all mental health and wellness professionals are grief-informed

This mismatch in styles and understanding extends to people you’d think would know better: therapists, doctors, and other licensed health professionals. I was surprised to learn that many therapists and medical professionals receive little to no grief education during their training! If you’re looking for grief support, I personally advise choosing someone who specializes in grief and is trauma-informed — and steering clear of anyone who suggests you can be in “recovery” from grief, as if it was akin to an addiction or mental health problem.

What Kind of Grief Support Do You Need? Do You Need a Grief Therapist?

I love therapy — it saved my life! But as I noted above, there is a spectrum of care for grief and loss. There is a big difference between missing your mom and wanting to talk about her, and not being able to function. (If you cannot get out of bed, if you cannot feed yourself, if you’re not showering, those are some definite signs to speak to a medical professional.)

Usually when we think of grief support, many grievers automatically think of therapy or grief counseling, for mental health or emotional support. We can also consider other reasons you might want help with grief after a major loss though:

• Logistical and Practical Support After Loss: Professional organizers, estate attorneys. and a whole new category of after loss professionals are available to help you with paperwork, physical stuff, and other “sadmin.” I’ve also hired helpers through TaskRabbit or similar services to help me move items.
• Emotional Support for Grief Beyond Therapy and Counseling: Whether it’s from a grief coach like me or a grief yoga practitioner or a mindfulness app, there are so many other ways we can support our general wellness after loss and add to our toolbox for coping with the impact of loss.
• Community Support: Sometimes you just want to know that you’re not alone. It’s why I host The Grief Gallery’s free monthly grief gathering and enjoy chatting with other grieving people.

How to Find Grief Support in Community

Look for the grievers: Beloved television host Mr. Rogers said, “Look for the helpers” in difficult situations and tragedies. My version of this is, “Look for the grievers.” Not just any grievers, but those of us who turn toward you instead of turning our backs. We are the ones who look you in the eyes instead of looking away. We are the ones who ask you your loved one’s name and invite you to share a story about them. We are the ones who remember—you, your loss, and your loved ones—because we remember our own. Plus, the grievers I know have done a lot of research into different types of grief support and are great resources for recommendations for grief book, podcasts about grieving, loss support groups and more.

You might find these supportive grievers in unexpected places. My biggest emotional supports weren’t always the people I expected—not the people I was closest to, and not necessarily the family members who were closest to my mother. They were the people who fit the kind, calm, and competent criteria that I needed for support. For you, it may be a classmate or a colleague. An acquaintance at the gym, or a total stranger.

Look in different communities of grievers. There are many grieving people on Instagram and other social media platforms, both sharing their pain and offering advice to others. In its best form, social media can be a place where individuals can express themselves, others can show their support, and connections can be made around shared experiences. 

There are both paid and free grief support groups. I prefer groups with trained facilitators. They don’t have to be medical professionals, but in my opinion, facilitators are ideally at least grief-informed and trauma-aware. When you’re feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed by your own loss, hearing other people’s tragedies may be more than you can take on. Having facilitators who know how to create and hold a safe space for grief is vital. The Motherless Daughters community calls with Hope Edelman was one group I found helpful.

You may also not be a group person—I’m not. Getting private, personalized grief support through a coach, counselor, or therapist may be more your style. (Again, make sure they’re grief-informed. It’s astonishing how many social workers, therapists, and healthcare workers I’ve met who have said they received little to no grief education during their training!) You can check the growing Grief Resources page on this website.

When Should You Get Help For Grief?

If you’re finding grief hard (and many of us do!), how do you know when you need or would benefit from help with grief and loss? I like what trauma therapist Meghan Riordan Jarvis says in her new book Can Anyone Tell Me? Essential Questions About Grief and Loss:

“Instead of asking clients to compare themselves to clinical diagnostic criteria that would label them with some kind of ‘problem,’ I suggest that the minute one wonders, ‘Do I need help?,’ it’s enough of a signal that it is simply time to get some help. Stop asking yourself, ‘Do I need treatment?’ and concentrate on ‘Could I benefit from talking to people who generally know more about grief than I do?”

You don’t need to do it alone.

Grief is Not the Problem

If you’ve worried if you’re grieving right or if you can get through this, I want to assure you. You’re not grieving wrong. You can do this. You are not the problem. Grief itself is not a problem. Even though it may be uncomfortable and painful.

You don’t need to medicate grief away. (Not to say that medication isn’t an option. It definitely can be especially if you’re finding that you’re unable to function after a significant loss, but grief itself is not something to be medicated away.) The goal is not to fix grief or to cure it. We don’t make it go away. We process it.

You Are Worthy of Getting the Grief Support You Need

Grief and loss can take a lot out of us. You are not alone, and you don’t need to do it alone.

Sending lots of love to you. Here are more grief resources that may be helpful:

– Join my monthly group gathering for The Grief Gallery. It’s free on Zoom and it’s typically the last Wednesday of every month.

– If you feel like you would benefit from grief coaching and one-to-one support, you can find out more about working with me and book a complimentary consult.

– Wondering if you should work with someone who share the same identity as you? Here’s my take on Grief, Culture and Identity

Get all the support that you can. You deserve it.

Get In Touch

• hello@charlenelam.com

You're invited to join The Grief Gallery's free monthly gathering for creative inspiration and community connection. Hosted by grief coach and curator Charlene Lam.