Working at the intersection of grief, race and identity: Views of a Chinese-American grief coach

“Do I need to work with a therapist or coach with the same identity as me?” If you have that question, certified grief coach Charlene Lam shares her perspective on working with people of diverse identities, ethnicities and backgrounds.

In this video and post, I share my take on working with grievers of different identities and backgrounds. Note that I originally made this video for fellow grief professionals, but this may also be of interest if you’re a griever wondering what kind of grief support is right for you!

Hi, I’m Charlene Lam. I’m a certified grief coach, curator, and the founder of The Grief Gallery. I am Chinese-American. I am a naturalized British citizen. I’m originally from New York City, and I’m now based in Lisbon, Portugal. 

I’m also a motherless daughter. I lost my amazing mother, Marilyn, to a stroke in January 2013.

I want to share with you some of my views of how to work with people of different races and ethnicities and identities in the context of grief. Here’s my take on it. 

One, that I consider myself to be part of my client’s grief support team.

We’re a team. And that includes their family members, their friends, support groups they might be a part of, and medical professionals. Most of my clients are working with a therapist as well, or have been working with a therapist.

And I consider myself to be part of their grief support team. I don’t expect to be the one providing all of the grief support and fulfilling all of the needs for my client. I hope that everything that they’re trying and using is working well together. 

I refer out often. Sometimes I refer to therapists because a client brings up something that’s really related more to childhood trauma that’s showing up in the way that they respond to grief and to their loss.

Or maybe the client is experiencing relationship issues and I’ve referred out to someone who really specializes more in attachment styles, for instance.

So I refer out all the time and I like being part of a team to support my clients.

Do I think that I need to work with someone who is the same race or ethnicity or cultural background as me? I would say it depends.

For instance, I have an intersectional identity. We all do. I am Chinese-American. I am an only child. My parents are divorced. I am an immigrant. I am the child of immigrants. I am a grieving daughter. I have an anxiety disorder. I am child-free, mostly by choice. These are all facets of my identity that I might choose to work on and to work with, with a practitioner.

My therapist, for instance – she is a queer white woman who has multiple children in Florida. And she’s obviously not the same identity as me in race or in ethnicity, but I find that she understands what it feels like to be othered and to be different. In the years of working with her, I have found her insights into that very helpful. 

Now if I was to work on some of the aspects of my Chinese-American heritage, and specifically when it comes to grief, maybe working on the impact of my family’s superstitions on the way that they responded to death and dying in my family … 

Or if I wanted to work with someone to explore further the loss of heritage that I’m really experiencing right now, and the layers that are coming up about the role of politics and the role of oppression and discriminatory immigration practices that affected my family …

I would want to work with someone who has some deeper knowledge and experience of that. Someone who’s maybe looked at some of those issues themselves. 

So that’s why I say it depends.

For instance, if I’m exploring the role of superstitions in my Chinese-American family and how that impacted my experience of grief and getting grief support, then yes, I might want to work with someone who is someone Asian because they can meet me further along in the conversation. 

I don’t have to explain that superstition was a big thing that came up multiple times throughout my life and in different instances of loss.

I’ve unfortunately experienced grief support that felt like my experience of grief was considered exotic. That it was so different that the practitioner had to really stretch and had to learn a lot, and they weren’t asking the right questions.

That’s not to say that you cannot become more culturally aware or more culturally informed, but I think the goal of being more culturally aware and more culturally informed is to actually be able to ask better questions.

I appreciate when there are opportunities to speak with someone who really gets it on a deeper level, and where I don’t feel like I need to justify or explain or have my experiences questioned or even seen as different.

So I hope that helps, in the context of this question of how do you work interculturally and cross-culturally in the grief and death care space!

I love being part of a grief support team. I love reaching out to a range of different kinds of practitioners who share identities with me AND do not share identities with me.  

Additional resources: I’ll also point you to this other video and post that shares my experience as an Asian griever and 5 ways that my Asian heritage shaped my experience of grief and loss. And again, I’m speaking just for myself in that context.

I’d love to hear from you — If you’re a grief worker or other helping professional who works across a range of identities and experiences, please do reach out. Connect with me on Instagram @curating_grief or on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/charclam/ or attend The Grief Gallery’s free monthly gathering.

Feel free to reach out hello@charlenelam.com

Want help unpacking your own experience of grief and loss, and the roles your culture, identity and family of origin have played? Find out more about working with me and my Unpacking Grief coaching package.

hello

I'm Charlene

I help grieving people feeling burdened by responsibilities, resentments and regrets after the death of a loved one to feel lighter –– so you can live your own fullest life. 

After the sudden death of my mother Marilyn in 2013, I put my life, work and grief on hold as I struggled to deal with the estate, paperwork and belongings.

Healing took time -- and it took help.

I'm a certified grief coach, and I developed my Curating Grief framework to help people process grief in a creative, accessible way. Learn how to move forward, without leaving your connection to your loved one behind.

 

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