How Long Does Grief Last? Grieving and Curating on Your Own Schedule

Feeling rushed to “move on” or move forward after a major loss? Contrary to what popular culture portrays, there’s no set timeline for grieving and mourning.

Proof of Life

In the beginning, everyone wants proof of death.

How did she die? When did he die?
How could this happen?
Is she really gone?

There are forms to fill out
Paperwork to complete
Obituaries to write
Questions to attempt to answer

Later, sometimes much later
After the forms have been filed
The piles of paper have diminished
Our focus turns to proof of life

We remember not how the person died
But how they lived
Not the beginning and end dates of a life
But the dash between

This is where we celebrate PROOF OF LIFE

– London, October 2015

 

This poem was my curator’s note for the first exhibition of The Grief Gallery, which was called “Proof of Life.” Up until that point, my life had largely revolved around the end date of my mom’s life. I focused primarily on surviving and navigating the impact and fallout from her sudden death.

The first couple of years were mired in what I call the Proof of Death stage—taking care of all the paperwork, emptying her dream house, just barely coping. After all the forms were filled out, her estate settled, and her ashes scattered, I felt like I had the luxury and the pleasure of celebrating my mom’s life.

If you’re deep in the process of dealing with probate, the estate, sorting through the belongings and other death admin, I want you to know at some point this will be done.

The first exhibition I presented with my mom’s belongings. The start of The Grief Gallery. London, October 2015.

Grief has no set timeline.

Your grieving doesn’t have to be completed after a month or a year, or a lifetime. That doesn’t mean it’s always going to feel the same, like the searing raw pain earlier on in your experience of loss. You can grieve on your own timeline and at your pace.

 

How My Grieving Timeline Looked

My mother died suddenly of a stroke in January 2013. A couple of months later, we hosted a celebration-of-life gathering for friends and family as her memorial. The first year or so, I didn’t cry much at all. I mostly felt numb, and was entirely focused on the practical tasks associated with paperwork, her belongings and the estate. I did not present my first in-person exhibition with her belongings until October 2015 — more than two and a half years after she died, and a year after I sold her house.

I still grieve and mourn my mother, more than a decade later. It’s not the same feelings — my grief has evolved, its edges have softened, and I, too, am different. I can honestly say that I now remember my mom with more love and so much less pain, though it’s almost always bittersweet. And that’s OK.

How Grief Might Look Like For You Over Time

Your grief may look similar to mine, or very different. Maybe your person had been ill for a long time, so you were already preparing yourself, mentally, emotionally, and practically. Maybe you’d already had discussions with your loved one about how they wanted to be remembered. Maybe your grieving process is calling for you to create and present something now. Or maybe your grief is asking you to slow down and to just be for a while, to not add pressure to do anything new.

I’m always in favor of doing what is most supportive for you in your grief.

The Grief Gallery curator Charlene Lam showing pin cushions to a visitor at the London Design Festival 2022

Sharing items from my mom’s house and my grandma’s pin cushion at The Grief Gallery’s pop-up at the London Design Festival, Sept 2022.

My Grief Keeps Evolving

Each time I curate an exhibition about my mom, I learn more about her, about myself, and about grief. Having these continuing mourning rituals, beyond the initial funeral or memorial, is one of the best parts of the Curating Grief approach I developed, in my opinion! We can use the lens of curating and the metaphor of exhibitions to create ongoing opportunities for us to celebrate our person and for us to be witnessed in our continuing process of grieving.

Adapted from the book Curating Grief: A Creative Guide to Choosing What to Keep After a Loved One Dies

I’d love to hear from you — Connect with me on Instagram @curating_grief or on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/charclam/ or attend The Grief Gallery’s free monthly gathering.

Feel free to reach out hello@charlenelam.com

Want help unpacking your own experience of grief and loss, and finding your way through the storm of major loss, especially after the death of a loved one? Find out more about working with me and my grief coaching packages.

hello

I'm Charlene

I help grieving people feeling burdened by responsibilities, resentments and regrets after the death of a loved one to feel lighter –– so you can live your own fullest life. 

After the sudden death of my mother Marilyn in 2013, I put my life, work and grief on hold as I struggled to deal with the estate, paperwork and belongings.

Healing took time -- and it took help.

I'm a certified grief coach, and I developed my Curating Grief framework to help people process grief in a creative, accessible way. Learn how to move forward, without leaving your connection to your loved one behind.

 

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