It’s OK to Grieve and Mourn After Losing Physical Stuff
After Fires and Disasters: It’s OK to Mourn the Belongings and Stuff We Lost
It’s not “just stuff” for many of us, especially grieving people. When we lose belongings and meaningful objects, it hurts.
 “At least you’re alive.” “It’s just stuff.” During the LA wildfires in January 2025, we often saw posts like this on social media. Well-meaning, most likely, but like many platitudes that we hear after a significant loss, it can feel like our pain and losses are being minimized.
Yes, our belongings are technically “just stuff” AND they can be so much more. For many of us humans, especially grievers, our belongings and physical stuff may help us to feel grounded, safe and connected to people we love. And when we lose those meaningful items, it HURTS!
​In a special gathering of The Grief Gallery, hosted by curator and certified grief coach Charlene Lam and LA-based Dr Julie Shaw of Hello I’m Grieving, we made space to mourn the belongings and meaningful objects we’ve lost — and to honor the role they played in our lives. Whether attendees were actively dealing with the aftermath of the LA wildfires or grieving a long-ago loss, all were welcome.
You’re not “silly” for mourning belongings you’ve lost. You don’t need permission to grieve the stuff.
Replay: Mourning the Stuff We’ve Lost
​In a special gathering of The Grief Gallery, hosted by curator and certified grief coach Charlene Lam and LA-based Dr Julie Shaw of Hello I’m Grieving, we made space to mourn the belongings and meaningful objects we’ve lost — and to honor the role they played in our lives. Whether attendees were actively dealing with the aftermath of the LA wildfires or grieving a long-ago loss, all were welcome.
Here are some of the video highlights from our conversation:
Permission to Grieve the Physical Stuff
In these 17 minutes of thoughtful conversation, we
- make space to mourn the stuff
- see what’s attached to the meaningful stuff
- talk about our experiences of loss, from childhood losses to coping with the LA Fires
- give ourselves permission to grieve it all
Talk Excerpt: The Power of Owning What We’re Grieving
“Are these just physical things? I think it’s a multitude. When we talk about stuff or the things that we’ve lost or that we’re mourning, it really is up to you.
It’s the same thing, just with how individualized our grief is, how individualized we are as humans and the individualized experiences that we have, that what we are defining as stuff and the things that we have lost and that we will mourn, that is up to you.
There’s a lot of power in that, in saying that this is my thing, this is my stuff.
I think even as we go through life, we talk about the baggage that we’re carrying: ‘This is my stuff.'”
– Dr Julie Shaw, founder of Hello I’m Grieving
Talk Excerpt: Grief and Your Relationship With Stuff
“A question that I like to ask people is: What’s your relationship with stuff?
Because usually, in the context of grief, I find that it gets all jumbled together. Like in my example, there’s my relationship with my mom. There’s my relationship with her house. There’s my relationship with losing my mother and that experience.
And then there’s the relationship with her stuff, which took over my life for two years while I figured out her estate. And then there’s also the relationship with my stuff. And then tangential to that, there’s my husband’s relationship to stuff, which looks very different from my relationship with stuff.
So I think that might be interesting for you, and when I say you, I mean generally everyone, for us to consider, what is my relationship with stuff? Has my relationship with stuff changed after significant loss?
So, for example, the soy sauce in my mother’s kitchen. When my mother was alive, I have never gotten teary over the soy sauce and her cooking oils before. After she died, that soy sauce represented so much, and it felt so precious.
I know that my grief response changed in terms of my relationship with stuff. I always enjoyed things, I enjoyed belongings, but suddenly stuff represented my connection to my mother. Stuff represented connection to my grandmother in a much deeper way.
Stuff represented security in a much deeper way. I had lost my mother who was my security, so now her house or her stuff represented security.”
– grief coach Charlene Lam, creator of Curating Grief
What about you? Do you grieve for items you’ve lost? What object do you still wish you had?
When we make space for grief, we also make more space for joy, beauty and more of what we want.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR LA WILDFIRE SURVIVORS
​Remember, meet yourself where you are in your grief and in your current needs. Are you:
… in survival mode after the LA fires or other disaster/major loss?
… giving yourself permission to mourn the stuff and anything else you want to grieve?
… trying to choose what to keep and how to let go?
LA Fires links:
– LA Grief resources from Claire Bidwell Smith https://www.lagrief.com/
– My friend Dr Julia Coangelo has been sharing her wisdom from surviving the Lahaina fire on Maui 18mo ago: https://www.instagram.com/drjuliacolangelo/
​Honoring the Stuff and Choosing What to Keep:
​My signature Curating Grief talk (14min) touches on many helpful concepts:
https://youtu.be/osjO5BB5aPY?si=khgz2iD3brPa11w-
My book Curating Grief: A Creative Guide to Choosing What to Keep After a Loved One Does expands on these concepts, whether you’re dealing with physical stuff or emotional stuff: https://curatinggrief.com/book
​You can download the prologue, intro and sample chapter for free here.
hello
I'm Charlene
I help grieving people feeling burdened by responsibilities, resentments and regrets after the death of a loved one to feel lighter –– so you can live your own fullest life.Â
After the sudden death of my mother Marilyn in 2013, I put my life, work and grief on hold as I struggled to deal with the estate, paperwork and belongings.
Healing took time -- and it took help.
I'm a certified grief coach, and I developed my Curating Grief framework to help people process grief in a creative, accessible way. Learn how to move forward, without leaving your connection to your loved one behind.
Get In Touch
- hello@charlenelam.com
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Check out my book Curating Grief: A Creative Guide to Choosing What to Keep After a Loved One Dies
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